Are you true? Or fake?

My period comes. Been having PMS for few days. I get angry and frustrated easily.

I tried to control my temper, but I find it is hard. I easily throw some blows to people around me. It is almost the same for any ordinary days I suppose. I tend to show my dissatisfaction straight when I got into some situations which turn me unhappy. Most people will fake a smile in front of you even if they don't like you. But I'm totally opposite. I hardly do this.

It's hard that I don't have many friends I can hang out with. Part of the reasons is because I do not fake things in front of the person I don't like. Don't you think there's no point for you to fake everything and hang out with those people, don't you? It’s hypocrisy for them to pretend that they like you but in fact they don’t.

It wasn't because I prefer to be alone. It's pathetic. As if you are so desperately want to have lotsa friends to hang out with, as if you do not want to be left out by others. 

Not to say that I'm good, you know. I'm just indifferent. Neither good nor bad.

You deal with so many people everyday, but how many of them you think he/she will be a true friend? Though I hang out with boys and girls, but I still take precautions. Who knows some of them may have bad intentions. I can't deny that I'm gullible. That's why I have to learn how to protect myself, in order you, people who fakes things out there would not have the chance to take advantage on me.

Friends who hang out with you might also betray you someday. The real side of these people will reveal someday in some hard situations.

Man who comes after you might fake everything in front of you too in order to take advantage on you. They lie to you telling you how much he loves you, do stupid stuffs for you so that you will believe that he actually loves you, and so that you would believe that he is actually serious to you.

I tried to protect myself, taking precautions, got into fight with some bloody fool who tried to tell you how sincere he is, yelled at you saying 'why can't you understand my feelings since all the things I did for you?!' You cry in the room, feeling sad and fed up with them, thinking that you are just trying to protect yourself and they have no right to stop you. He slammed the door and left, and next you won't hear anything from him. No text message, no phone calls. Is this how he shows you that he's serious? I become sensitive. Every single movement you made, every single word you said, I will observe, I listen and I analyze.

Guys always get fed up with me, saying that I am over sensitive. Since all the shits crammed and happened to me, i guess there is nothing wrong for me to protect myself rite?

Anyway, I'm glad that there are still people who will sit right beside you and wipe your tears after the fight instead of slamming the door, left and then disappear from your life. =)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Still waiting, for the right one

Went on a date last weekend. A date with an ordinary friend who I barely understand him. But most importantly, he is the man who I mentioned in my previous post, who reminds me that I was just looking around.

We went for dinner, a couple of drinks and movie at The Gardens. It's a great date. =)

Well, to be honest, he is my cup of tea. I like him a lot, but not to say love. He is someone who is interesting and fun to hang out with. Someone who couldn't remember where he parked his car. Someone who passed me popcorn left behind by others on the cinema’s table after I came out from the washroom, which I thought he bought it. Someone who tried to burn my ass with his mom’s car seat’s heater on the first time he send me back home from office. Someone who chased after me in the shop with a pair of ballet shoes for kids, asking me to try it on. Someone who gave me an octopus last Christmas. And also someone who takes his job seriously, but not relationship.

When talking about relationship, he said 'Who the hell will think of getting married?'

Exactly! Who the hell will want to get married so soon? Commitments and responsibilities are all seems to be a burden/trouble for me. We are just way too young to think of getting serious! 

I always think that it is better not to get too serious in a relationship. I need to watch out for myself, so that I would not be the one who get hurts. It’s just like what others are doing. Say I’m selfish. But I think I’m doing the right thing to protect myself.

I'm 21 this year. Been thru 4 relationships. But as you can see, I'm currently single. 
I enjoy the life of being single. No commitments, I can hang out with whoever I want, I can do whatever shit I like without need to report to my partner, and do not need to seek approval like a kid to get to go out with friends. This is the beauty of single rite? 

Though sometimes you’ll feel lonely, but what's the point to immerse yourself into a relationship just to ease your loneliness, and then been thru several broken relationships before you meet the right one? They say love just comes and goes, and to that, I totally agree. You might find I’m hilarious rite, don’t you? LOL

I believe Mr.Right will appear at the RIGHT time, and at the RIGHT place. There is no need for you to be hurry and look around. It is always will be better for you to take your time, observe the people around you before you make the most brilliant right choice. Like what they said, a good meal should not be hurried. =D

In my preceding relationships I started off without knowing my partner well enuff. We did not take time to know each other’s behavior well, did not take time to find out whether are we able to go well with each other. As long as the feeling comes, as long as both of us have a click, then we will carry our relationship one step ahead.
We’ve been really lovely and sweet when the relationship just got started. But after awhile, we find that actually we don’t really suit each others. We always got into fight. We tried to change. However I don’t see the point of changing yourself for your partner. That is not the real you anymore.
Even if you want to change, to which extend you can change? There will still be an immense gap between both of you.

Anyway, time will show me my Mr.Right. =)

Friday, April 24, 2009

Another late nite depression

I texted him, a week ago.

But i never get any respond, even until now.

Am i still expecting? I hope not.

I don't deserve a reply i guess

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Ironic

I disappear for quite some times from blog-sphere, and to be exact is near to 3 months.

By the way, i find it's funny and ironic that things always happen in the opposite way to what is expected.

Few months ago, I was desperately craving for someone to care. Could stand the feeling of being alone. Any man who shows a lil care might be able to become another part of me, easily, even though i just like him. Until I met this man who showed a lil bit of interest in me. He is really an interesting person, and I do LIKE him a lot, but not to say love. Slowly I showed a lil bit of interest in him too. But the respond I got from him was totally a big disappointment for me. He smiled and said,

'U're just looking around =)'

I was angry. I felt like I've been fooled. He showed interest in me, but ended up when I was ready and he quited. At that point of time, I've been blinded by all sorts of confusions. Being irrationally, I could only think of how pathetic I was to be fooled.

But now, I found out I was proven to be wrong. He is right, I was just looking around.

They said, the best way to let go a broken relationship is to start off with a new one. I do think this works, and it's the best short cut for you to get thru the hard times. Most people like to take the back alley short cut instead of going thru the big roads and got stuck in the traffic jam to get to their destination. But do you realise, the beauty of the view of big cities around the big roads might be missed out when you are walking thru the dark back alley. 

To be frank, I am glad, and I am proud that I ended up did not took the short cuts.

despite all the wrong ways i took

at least I've experienced and gained from it

despite all the bad shits I been thru

I still manage to stand up and walk straight

U'll never know the beauty of the things you get if you do not pay for it

Take a moment to glance back and you'll be proud of who you are

The bad shits that happened to you will now turn to the essence for you to stand up, walk straight and survive.

Now, I am able to stand all alone by myself. I am independent and capable in handling stuffs. I am no longer looking around like what i used to do. I've decided not to involve in a relationship, at least for this moment, and I would have nothing to lose. I start to love myself, like what people said, 'love youself to be loved'.

The funny thing is, these men start showing up. Nice man who loves you, this is what I was craving for before this, isn't it? Rich man who owns an airline, who drives my dream car, who can buy me all the luxuries I want, this is what I've been dreaming of all the times, isn't it?

However, I did not respond to any of these request, since I've made up my mind. It's funny yet ironic right? When you're looking around, you don't find any one who can satisfy you; and when you've decided to stop, these people start showing up.

Anyway, a big 'Thanks' to the man who reminds me by telling me, 

'U're just looking around =)'

Wednesday, April 8, 2009