Fake it or show your ugly truth

Have you ever wonder are you the person who you suppose to be?
Or you might realize that you're just someone who you want to be?
This is something which is highly questionable!

Speaking of this, we might find lotsa excuses for ourselves. Sometimes I question myself, why can't I just be myself, why can't I say yes to simplicity instead of trying to match with others' pace?
At some point of time, I don't know who I really am. All I know is I have to strive to be a tougher bitch in order to get the things I want, and also so that people will stereotype you as a perfect person.
I hide my weaknesses. Or at some point of time, I tried to cover it by ranting about what I'm proud of myself.
I am really a demanding person, seriously demanding. Though at some point of time I feel that I don't deserve such good things. And it's human nature to find ways to alleviate all the shits that hinder their paths. It ended sometimes that I got screwed up by the stupid ideas which I thought that they were splendid one.

Have you ever realize how tiring it is in faking yourself?
I realized it.
And I'm glad, at least I can still take off the mask and be the 100% me in front when confronting some people in my life. I realized how nice and comfortable it is to be myself again.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Lead me to the right way, please?

Alright... it has come to this. I've been away from blogspot for too long.

And I've been having misty mind for the past few days...
There are times when we need to make very tough decisions. And every decisions we made we'll afraid if a wrong one is being made. Sometimes we need to sacrifice, even if we are so unwilling to let go. But for the sake of everyone, we hope that we'll always do the right thing.

Doing so is not so that you'll stereotype me as a better person, but it's just that I feel guilty and I don't think this is the right thing to do.

I know God will always take good care of me, and make sure I take the right steps. =)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Being stupid again

I thought you put me in rapture for the past few months

but now I realize how silly I was...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Serious diet, for the very 1st time

I've been busier than a bee lately. Lotsa assignments coming up, and very very soon it will be my finals. 

I went to club with my babes last week, ever since we have not meet up for 3 weeks and now she's back in KL. The first thing she said to me when she sees me...

'Hey!Since when you become so big size 1 huh?'

I was shocked! It hurts!

In fact i did noticed dat, I noticed dat my arms grow bigger than before. It's just that i never tot that it will be this bad. I told myself I’m going to lose this weight and keep it off this time. It's really tough for people like me to go on diet. Lack of determination. 

Looking at Ramlee burgers, MCDonald's fried chicken, and all others yummy yummy food, I told myself to get a bottle of water and forget bout the food. It's torturing!

Some men starts making fun of my arms. You know, men being men. Their preferences will never change. Tall and slim women dat's what they called hot. Women like me, big arms, big tummy, elephant laps, small boobs and small arse is totally contrary with the word 'hot'. Pathetic rite?

Gaining weight really makes a woman gets upset =(

Readers, wish me luck.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Rainbow after rain

Someone thought i cancel off my blog account, ever since i change my blog's URL.

I'm surprise.

To found out he actually view my blog.

I got the answers, for the biggest question that I've been wondering, bout him.

I'm feeling contented. And glad.

Things are not as bad as I thought.

I'm glad that he is able to think and act based on accordance with logic and reasons.

He stopped my head first action.

I'm now off from vindication. =)

Monday, July 13, 2009

02-05-2009

The smell of your skin still lingers on the shirt, and it's fading. Yet, i do not want to wash it.

My mind, and perhaps my feelings being took control. It happened, less than five seconds. Though I always wish that tis wouldn't happen. I heard your voice, murmuring beside my ears. Could hardly remember what you said, even I tried my best to recall. Your skin moved to and fro against me, soft and gentle. I feel your lips, kissed you as if you were mine. The adrenaline was so strong. Real strong.

I know, I shouldn't do this. This is a wrong thing to do. 

But I still want to. I want to pleasure you. To feel as if you were mine, at least for a moment. You found this is not the right thing to do. Everything came to a halt.

Lying beside each other. You asked, 'What are you thinking?'

And I said, 'Don't know.' 

In fact I know. I just don't want to share. Or perhaps, I wish to share. It's just that I'm afraid of the consequences after I share.

I couldn't see thru your heart, or even your mind. Do not know what you were thinking. But I guess there's something on your mind. Couldn't remember what I was thinking either. Of all sudden, something came into my mind, got my emotions runing high. At the same time too, though I do not know what was that in your mind, we held each other hands tight. Slowly, we hugged each other so tight that I wouldn't mind if I got choke.

Is that what's on your mind are something hurtful to you?

It was a very quiet night. Everybody was asleep, except the neighbour's dogs. They barked. I heard you breathing beside me. We were so close. So close. Slowly inhaled when you exhaled, and exhaled when you inhaled. Afraid of taking too much air might make you unbreathable.

We hugged. You kissed me on my forehead, my cheek, and my lips. I know, those kisses could represent anything, except love.

Time passed. I rubbed your head, played with your hair when you were having your sweet siesta. I wish I could stay like this. I do not want to wake up, afraid of facing the reality. But I know, when the dawn breaks, I'll have to go.

And finally, it's time for me to pack and leave. Things wouldn't be the same as tonight once I step out. But I have to. It's time to wake up from my dream.

Everything that happened were too good to be true, and I do not deserve those, from you. Of all sudden I have no idea how should I face you. I decided to disappear, from your life. I ran away from KL for few days. It's hurt to stay near to you, reminds me of everything about you. Since that, my feelings got confused. Struggle in between like and love.

Some ppl may see what was there all along, though things happened. And then there are some other ppl, who run as far as they can, so that they don't have to look at themselve. People who know me well will know that I am the later one. I hate doing this too, running away from what happened and you. I hate myself for being so pathetic when I blog about nostalgia things like this.

I kissed you on your cheek before I left. You do not know, that was a kiss goodbye.

And when I was about to run away from you, you called. Looking at the caller's name, I told myself not to pick up. But ended up, I said 'hello'.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Are you true? Or fake?

My period comes. Been having PMS for few days. I get angry and frustrated easily.

I tried to control my temper, but I find it is hard. I easily throw some blows to people around me. It is almost the same for any ordinary days I suppose. I tend to show my dissatisfaction straight when I got into some situations which turn me unhappy. Most people will fake a smile in front of you even if they don't like you. But I'm totally opposite. I hardly do this.

It's hard that I don't have many friends I can hang out with. Part of the reasons is because I do not fake things in front of the person I don't like. Don't you think there's no point for you to fake everything and hang out with those people, don't you? It’s hypocrisy for them to pretend that they like you but in fact they don’t.

It wasn't because I prefer to be alone. It's pathetic. As if you are so desperately want to have lotsa friends to hang out with, as if you do not want to be left out by others. 

Not to say that I'm good, you know. I'm just indifferent. Neither good nor bad.

You deal with so many people everyday, but how many of them you think he/she will be a true friend? Though I hang out with boys and girls, but I still take precautions. Who knows some of them may have bad intentions. I can't deny that I'm gullible. That's why I have to learn how to protect myself, in order you, people who fakes things out there would not have the chance to take advantage on me.

Friends who hang out with you might also betray you someday. The real side of these people will reveal someday in some hard situations.

Man who comes after you might fake everything in front of you too in order to take advantage on you. They lie to you telling you how much he loves you, do stupid stuffs for you so that you will believe that he actually loves you, and so that you would believe that he is actually serious to you.

I tried to protect myself, taking precautions, got into fight with some bloody fool who tried to tell you how sincere he is, yelled at you saying 'why can't you understand my feelings since all the things I did for you?!' You cry in the room, feeling sad and fed up with them, thinking that you are just trying to protect yourself and they have no right to stop you. He slammed the door and left, and next you won't hear anything from him. No text message, no phone calls. Is this how he shows you that he's serious? I become sensitive. Every single movement you made, every single word you said, I will observe, I listen and I analyze.

Guys always get fed up with me, saying that I am over sensitive. Since all the shits crammed and happened to me, i guess there is nothing wrong for me to protect myself rite?

Anyway, I'm glad that there are still people who will sit right beside you and wipe your tears after the fight instead of slamming the door, left and then disappear from your life. =)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Still waiting, for the right one

Went on a date last weekend. A date with an ordinary friend who I barely understand him. But most importantly, he is the man who I mentioned in my previous post, who reminds me that I was just looking around.

We went for dinner, a couple of drinks and movie at The Gardens. It's a great date. =)

Well, to be honest, he is my cup of tea. I like him a lot, but not to say love. He is someone who is interesting and fun to hang out with. Someone who couldn't remember where he parked his car. Someone who passed me popcorn left behind by others on the cinema’s table after I came out from the washroom, which I thought he bought it. Someone who tried to burn my ass with his mom’s car seat’s heater on the first time he send me back home from office. Someone who chased after me in the shop with a pair of ballet shoes for kids, asking me to try it on. Someone who gave me an octopus last Christmas. And also someone who takes his job seriously, but not relationship.

When talking about relationship, he said 'Who the hell will think of getting married?'

Exactly! Who the hell will want to get married so soon? Commitments and responsibilities are all seems to be a burden/trouble for me. We are just way too young to think of getting serious! 

I always think that it is better not to get too serious in a relationship. I need to watch out for myself, so that I would not be the one who get hurts. It’s just like what others are doing. Say I’m selfish. But I think I’m doing the right thing to protect myself.

I'm 21 this year. Been thru 4 relationships. But as you can see, I'm currently single. 
I enjoy the life of being single. No commitments, I can hang out with whoever I want, I can do whatever shit I like without need to report to my partner, and do not need to seek approval like a kid to get to go out with friends. This is the beauty of single rite? 

Though sometimes you’ll feel lonely, but what's the point to immerse yourself into a relationship just to ease your loneliness, and then been thru several broken relationships before you meet the right one? They say love just comes and goes, and to that, I totally agree. You might find I’m hilarious rite, don’t you? LOL

I believe Mr.Right will appear at the RIGHT time, and at the RIGHT place. There is no need for you to be hurry and look around. It is always will be better for you to take your time, observe the people around you before you make the most brilliant right choice. Like what they said, a good meal should not be hurried. =D

In my preceding relationships I started off without knowing my partner well enuff. We did not take time to know each other’s behavior well, did not take time to find out whether are we able to go well with each other. As long as the feeling comes, as long as both of us have a click, then we will carry our relationship one step ahead.
We’ve been really lovely and sweet when the relationship just got started. But after awhile, we find that actually we don’t really suit each others. We always got into fight. We tried to change. However I don’t see the point of changing yourself for your partner. That is not the real you anymore.
Even if you want to change, to which extend you can change? There will still be an immense gap between both of you.

Anyway, time will show me my Mr.Right. =)

Friday, April 24, 2009

Another late nite depression

I texted him, a week ago.

But i never get any respond, even until now.

Am i still expecting? I hope not.

I don't deserve a reply i guess

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Ironic

I disappear for quite some times from blog-sphere, and to be exact is near to 3 months.

By the way, i find it's funny and ironic that things always happen in the opposite way to what is expected.

Few months ago, I was desperately craving for someone to care. Could stand the feeling of being alone. Any man who shows a lil care might be able to become another part of me, easily, even though i just like him. Until I met this man who showed a lil bit of interest in me. He is really an interesting person, and I do LIKE him a lot, but not to say love. Slowly I showed a lil bit of interest in him too. But the respond I got from him was totally a big disappointment for me. He smiled and said,

'U're just looking around =)'

I was angry. I felt like I've been fooled. He showed interest in me, but ended up when I was ready and he quited. At that point of time, I've been blinded by all sorts of confusions. Being irrationally, I could only think of how pathetic I was to be fooled.

But now, I found out I was proven to be wrong. He is right, I was just looking around.

They said, the best way to let go a broken relationship is to start off with a new one. I do think this works, and it's the best short cut for you to get thru the hard times. Most people like to take the back alley short cut instead of going thru the big roads and got stuck in the traffic jam to get to their destination. But do you realise, the beauty of the view of big cities around the big roads might be missed out when you are walking thru the dark back alley. 

To be frank, I am glad, and I am proud that I ended up did not took the short cuts.

despite all the wrong ways i took

at least I've experienced and gained from it

despite all the bad shits I been thru

I still manage to stand up and walk straight

U'll never know the beauty of the things you get if you do not pay for it

Take a moment to glance back and you'll be proud of who you are

The bad shits that happened to you will now turn to the essence for you to stand up, walk straight and survive.

Now, I am able to stand all alone by myself. I am independent and capable in handling stuffs. I am no longer looking around like what i used to do. I've decided not to involve in a relationship, at least for this moment, and I would have nothing to lose. I start to love myself, like what people said, 'love youself to be loved'.

The funny thing is, these men start showing up. Nice man who loves you, this is what I was craving for before this, isn't it? Rich man who owns an airline, who drives my dream car, who can buy me all the luxuries I want, this is what I've been dreaming of all the times, isn't it?

However, I did not respond to any of these request, since I've made up my mind. It's funny yet ironic right? When you're looking around, you don't find any one who can satisfy you; and when you've decided to stop, these people start showing up.

Anyway, a big 'Thanks' to the man who reminds me by telling me, 

'U're just looking around =)'

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A boy friend?

Seems like it has been ages since the very last time i updated my blog.

Streamyx connection at my place in SS2 being terminated since my stupid housemate did not pay the bills, so i've been stayin offline for a couple of weeks. And now, finally...i'm able to come online. =)

A few people asked me this question lately

'What do you want in a boyfriend?'

My 1st answer will be, he has to be someone who knows the way to keep the relationship interesting. He has to be someone romantic, who can gives me a sweet surprises especially on special occasions and would be able to get me hype up. Girls love surprise, right? I find it is important for a guy to know how to keep a relationship interesting, especially after being together for sometimes. U do not want to do the same thing every single day, repeating the same routine, saying the same words FOR YEARS, do you? Im sure you do not want the relationship to be dull and so do I.

He has to be someone smart and intelligent too i guess. I want someone who can challenge me to be a better person. Since im improving myself now, I always thinks that i deserve to have a better man. I would want to have a man who tries to improve himself, in any way, career and personalities wise. I am the kind of girl who has high embitious, and of cz i wouldn't want my man to be someone who is barren or gives the 'like-i-care' kinda attitude towards work. He needs to have the same intellectual level as me or superior than me. =)

3rd, he has to be someone who will comfort me whenever i face problems, instead of nagging at me. When you're tormented by all the problems around you, you would need someone to comfort you, or probably u'll scream at the whole world 'LEAVE ME ALONE!'. You definately would not want to have someone to nag at you and cause you greater exasperation. But some guys just don't understand this. I hate guys who nag at you as if he's the most brilliant and insightful man on planet earth.

Besides, he has to be someone who will notice the little details about me, and appreciates them. He needs to have very strong observations, to knows what are the things i like, and what are those i hate.

Within few months time, i've changed a lot. I used to be someone who wants my boy friend to call me every single nite, text me every single day. And since I started working for my internship, I realised how tiring it is. I'm feeling sorry for being so demanding for wanting a working man to call me every single nite. Now, I do not want a boy friend who accompanies me 24/7. I do not need a boy friend who text me whole day long. Meeting each other once a week is just fine for me. I do not think that we need to stay together more frequent to keep the relationship going on, especially if the guy is a dull type. I need time for myself, and for my friends. 

He needs to be someone sweet, who will cooks for me, who will watch me walking into the house when he drops me home, who will not wakes me up when i'm aslp, who will kiss me on my forehead before i sleep and will do lotsa lotsa sweet things to me =)

Lastly, he needs to be someone who is really gentleman. A not-gentleman-guy is a BIG NO for me!

Damn it's a wholly unacheivable list! I guess it's hard for me to meet this kind of man and get married, sort of impossible =P

Good thing I'm okay with being single =D

Sunday, January 4, 2009